People frequently lose patience when
listening to another’s problem. Empathic listening is incompatible with being
in a hurry, or with the fast paced world around us. Such careful listening
requires that we, at least for the moment, place time on slow motion and suspend
our own thoughts and needs.
“Listen in ways that others can speak”
Potential Barriers
to Empathy
1.
Intellectual understanding of the situation.
Interrupting to understand at the thought level not at the feelings or heart
level.
2.
Sympathizing or commiserating. Talking about
your own experiences rather than giving full attention to speaker.
3.
Giving advice or trying to fix. Moving to
provide solutions without fully listening to feelings and needs.
4.
Explaining. “Let me tell you why this is
happening to you”.
5.
Correcting. Offering your own understanding of
the situation. You are not fully listening to feelings and giving space for the
speaker to express.
6.
Consoling. “I know you will be OK. You will do
well”.
7.
Telling a story or one-upping. Telling about
something that happened to you.
8.
Shutting down feelings by offering premature
reassurance, before the person is complete. Not hearing their experience and
jumping to response too quickly.
9.
Educating or evaluating. Remember- Empathy
before education.
10. Interrogating.
Asking questions to satisfy your own curiosity.
11. Believing
you already know what the person is going to say.
12. Having
a strong opinion or a belief that prevent listening to the speaker.
13. Interrupting.
Do not take pauses as a time for you to interrupt. Fully give space for the
other to express themselves.
Showing Our Listening Engagement
-
Respond it ways that show you’re engaged. “Tell
me more” or simply, “Interesting!”
-
Try repeating the last word or phrase that was
spoken “I feel like I wasn’t being heard…” Respond: “…wasn’t being heard”.
-
Empathetic Sayings: “I can see you are
suffering” “I can see that you’re in pain”
-
Body Language: Sit with the person. Face
them and allow your body and mind to focus on the person speaking.
-
Respect Pauses. Allow these pauses to take
place. A simple “Mmmm” still shows you are present and engaged.
Responding After Listening
-
Ask, “Are
you wanting to talk out your thoughts or explore some strategies?” Sometimes
people just want to vent and don’t want help solving. Ask this and it will
provide an understanding of what the need of the other person is.
-
Ask questions that promote internal reflection
towards the end. “How do you feel when
that happens?” “What are you feeling at this moment?” “Well, then, what do you
plan on doing?” “What options are you leaning to, which ones do you like the
least?”
-
If topic is repeatedly brought up, ask “what are you willing to change?” “If you
don’t know, what would it look like if you did know?”
-
When people repeat themselves in their story,
they are subconsciously feeling like they are not being listened to.
Ask Yourself These Questions
Am I…
1.
Allowing
the person with the problem to do most of the talking?
2.
Avoiding
premature conclusions based on my life experiences?
3.
Helping
the individual to better understand himself/herself?
4.
Permitting
the person to retain ownership of the challenge?
5.
Showing
the party that we are listening without judging?
